Design by Wyatt Holiway
It’s finally happened. After years of buildup, the NFL has locked out its players. Basically, if the owners and players don’t reach a new Collective Bargaining Agreement, the upcoming NFL season could be shortened, or even (gasp) cancelled.
So how are NFL fanatics like myself supposed to deal with the prospect of a fall without the Greatest Sports League Known to Man? Well, I’ve begrudgingly compiled a short list of luxurious activities to fill the void in our tortured souls, in the unthinkable event that actual NFL games are actually cancelled.
Watch the NBA – Pro basketball is currently better than it’s ever been in the post-Jordan era. The league’s elite players are joining forces like never before, resulting in a small cluster of teams that are more star studded than a Kanye record. While the NBA regular season is generally tedious and bloated, the playoffs are like a glamorous explosion of drama and excitement, possibly even more entertaining than the NFL playoffs (there, I said it). And since the T-Wolves won’t be advancing to the playoffs (and most likely, never will again), you can choose whatever team you want to root for, just pick the most alluring bandwagon, and jump on. May I recommend KG & The Celtics? Or possibly the revitalized Knicks. Plus, NBA players make better commercials than NFL players, like this Kobe commercial, which by my estimation, is the best thing that he or Robert Rodriguez has ever done.
Check out the UFL – I wouldn’t disrespect you by suggesting that you take in a mediocre product like college football. That would be ridiculous. But how about a football league so mediocre that it might actually be interesting? Now, I can’t claim to have ever actually watched a UFL game, but here’s a fact that might excite Minnesota football fans: The UFL’s leading passer last season was none other than former Vikings QB Daunte Culpepper, currently of the Sacramento Mountain Lions. His coach? None other than the great Dennis Green. Hell, the way Randy Moss’ career has veered in the past six months, he just may join them, which would turn the Mountain Lions into the 2000 Vikings Super Flashback Minor League Reunion Edition, which, now that I think about it, is probably a better name than the Sacramento Mountain Lions.
Play NFL Blitz for Nintendo 64 – Because Madden has too many buttons and moves at the pace of a Lars Von Trier film. Because you can teach a friend to play Blitz in about five minutes. Because no lead in Blitz is ever safe, which leads to maximum excitement and maximum trash talk. And because, in the world of Blitz, Randy Moss will always play for the Vikings. NFL Blitz, created by Midway Games, debuted on the Nintendo 64 in 1998. Thirteen years later, it’s still the greatest football video game ever made. To help fill the void of the real NFL, I’m starting a hardcore Blitz tournament. It’ll be called the Super Blitz Bowl. I predict that it will go down in history as the greatest Blitz tournament of all time. There will be a small buy-in fee, and the tournament champion will win a $50 dollar gift card to the finest restaurant in town. That’s right, Red Lobster. Hot damn. Not only will the winner be crowned King of Blitz, but they’ll enjoy succulent dishes, like Coconut Shrimp served with a Pina Colada dipping sauce that will haunt your daydreams. But don’t get your hopes up too much, because when we step on the Blitz field, I will destroy you. The fact is, I don’t mess around when it comes to Red Lobster. Never have, never will. So bring it on.
More details on the Super Blitz Bowl are coming soon. In the mean time, practice your Blitz moves, because you’re going to need them.
Have a critically acclaimed day, and a mind bending tomorrow.
your friend, Beck DeRobertis
