Me: Oh man, I’m super pumped to get some tickets. How great is it that I can do this from the comfort of my own home without waiting in line or anything.
Virtual Teller: Hello, sir. Good morning. If you could, we’d like it if you’d wait in this line right here. You can monitor your progress on this little bar. See? That’s you and the closer you get to the front the closer you are to getting tickets.
Me: Ok… cool. How convenient. There sure are a lot of people here.
Virtual Teller: Indeed. We are experiencing extremely high demand this morning. Please, feel free to walk around; we’ll call your number when it’s your turn.
Me: Thanks.
(Turns to a guy on his right)
What game are you looking at?
Guy: I’m going to snatch up every Brewers ticket I can get my hands on. I think the limit is 8 per game, but my wife is waiting over there on a different computer and I think I can see my son in the corner. He logged in from Marquette.
Me: Wow… well I’m just hoping to grab a game on Father’s Day or maybe one around my birthday.
(Turns to guy on his left)
What’s up with you, man? What game do you want to go see?
Guy: See? Hahaha, give me a break, kid. I don’t live in your backwater state.
Me: What? You don’t?
Guy: Fuck no. I’m a Yankees fan but I know how much you people love your precious little flyover team so I’m going to buy my limit in tickets and sell them to you rubes at a ridiculous mark up on Stub Hub.
Me: You can afford all that?
Guy: Shit yeah, I do this shit all the time. I made thousands off of Twins tickets alone last year. Not to mention Rockies tickets, Rays tickets, Brewers tix. Hell, you small market fans sure are devoted.
Me: That sucks! All I want is two tickets and people like you assholes are going to clog the process! Thank God I’m in front of you.
Guy: Whatever kid, that’s fucking capitalism for you.
(TWO HOURS LATER)
Virtual Teller: Sir? We’re ready for you now.
Me: Oh, cool! I’ve been checking the game availability and I think there’s a good chance I can get what I want here. Ok, I’d like to see if I can find two tickets to the June 19th game, please.
Virtual Teller: (Gives blank stare)
Me: Hello? I’m ready to buy tickets now.
Virtual Teller: (Stares ahead, nonresponsive)
Me: Hey, what the fuck?! You just called me up here, you can’t fucking ignore me now! I want to buy some goddamn tickets.
Virtual Teller: (Continues to stare in to space)
Me: Ok, let’s start over. (Turns around, regains composure) Hello. You just called my number and I’d like to buy tickets.
Virtual Teller: I’m sorry sir, we’re experiencing extremely high demand this morning and you’ll have to wait in line.
Me: I JUST WAITED IN LINE! YOU CALLED ME UP HERE AND FUCKING NOTHING HAPPENED!
Virtual Teller: I find that hard to believe. See that progress bar? That tells me where you are in line and you’re allllll the way in the back, see? If you have an issue feel free to call the ticket office and speak to our operators there.
Me: I actually did, during the two-hour wait, but all I got was a busy signal. That’s why I stuck with this insane process – for the illusion of progress you sold me on. FUCK YOU. (Sits down)
(ONE HOUR LATER)
Virtual Teller: Sir? We’re ready for you now.
Me: (Dripping with vitriol) Thanks. I’d like to buy tickets for this June 19th game, please. Your display shows that there are “plenty of good seats available.”
Virtual Teller: Sure, if you could first repeat this phrase.
Me: Those aren’t even words. Why?
Virtual Teller: We need to verify that you’re not a robot.
Me: Fine. Tishi atugsfam.
Virtual Teller: Thank you. I’m sorry, there are currently no seats available for this game in the quantity you requested.
Me: Two? I just want two. How about this game?
Virtual Teller: I’m sorry-
Me: (Goes through five more games)
Virtual Teller: I’m sorry; there are currently no seats available for this game in the quantity you requested.
Me: You’re telling me that I can’t find two seats next to each other in the whole stadium across a six month schedule?
Virtual Teller: Indeed. We are experiencing extremely high demand this morning. I’m sorry sir, your time is up, please feel free to wait in line if you’d like to buy more tickets.
Me: MORE? I haven’t bought any!
Virtual Teller: Each customer is only allotted 15 minutes to spend browsing and purchasing tickets to keep the line moving along smoothly. So please, return to the back of the line.
Me: FUCK OFF.
