The Twins’ 2011 season kicks off today, which means another year of the very glamorous Target Field, another summer of high expectations, and another inevitable postseason meeting with the hated New York Yankees.
Aside from the actual games (which I find a little tedious), here are the Top Five things I’m looking forward to during the upcoming season:
Tsuyoshi Nishioka – The switch hitting infielder who the Twins imported from Japan figures to help fill the gap left by the offseason departures of J.J. Hardy and Orlando Hudson. If Nishioka becomes a superstar, maybe the Twins could become the most popular MLB team in Japan (the way Yao Ming’s presence gave China a huge collective boner for the Houston Rockets). Also, I demand that the fans call this guy “Yoshi,” and that somebody produces a Nishioka T-shirt featuring Mario’s charming dinosaur friend.
Walk A Taco – This new Target Field food item is sure to be a monster success with the MPLS.tv staff. Made by St. Paul’s El Burrito Mercado, the Walk A Taco features all your favorite taco ingredients, housed in a succulent tortilla cone. As its name suggests, the Walk A Taco is likely the perfect thing to munch on while you walk around and take in all the scintillating sights Target Field has to offer. Talk about luxurious sensuality.
The Target Field Hawk – In 2010, this crazy bastard really gave Twins mascot TC Bear a run for his money. Nicknamed Kirby the Kestrel, the Hawk (who is actually a falcon, at least according to his Twitter account) delighted Twins fans, especially when he ate a moth during a game last May. Like any good performer, the Hawk is probably looking to raise the bar with his next act. Hopefully, he’ll do something highly subversive, like crapping on Derek Jeter’s head, then giving A-Rod the middle talon during Game 1 of the ALDS. That’d be swell.
UPDATE: After perusing the Hawk’s Tweets, it turns out he’s a Brad Childress supporter. This Hawk can suck it.
UPDATE II: I just watched the moth eating video again. I simply can’t stay mad at this Hawk.
Free Jerseys – The most elegant promotional giveaway of the season is on June 12th, when 5,000 Danny Valencia jerseys will be given away as the Twins host the Rangers. A free jersey? Fantastic, even if they do turn out to be made from recycled coffee filters. The catch? They’re only giving them to fans 14 and under, which is total bullshit. Those guys know Youth Large is my preferred size. To circumvent this unjust policy, just bring some random neighborhood kid with you to the game, have them get the jersey, and then trade them a couple of beers for it. Solved.
Fuck the Yankees – This is the year that the Twins finally crush those fancy bastards in the postseason. Why? Well, why not? It’s gotta happen sometime, and it may as well be now, because it’s becoming an embarrassment. As Herman Blume once said, it’s time for the Minnesota Twins to take dead aim on the rich boys, get them in the crosshairs, and take them down.
Have an orgiastic Opening Day, and a championship caliber tomorrow.
your friend, Beck DeRobertis
