Everything is harder when you have a cold, but what’s really harder is S.C.A.N.S.
There’s no way I can do a S.C.A.N. this week, I told myself. Too sick. Too not getting better. Too nobody’s bringing me soup. That’s when it hit me. I mean that’s when they hit me: the soup, the pills, the vitamins, the lozenges. They hit me like so much metaphorical artistic buck shot. So, I decided to grind this one out.
Soup, in terms of being sick, is supposed to be good for you, and chicken soup is supposed to be really good for you if you have a cold, or colds. (I’m convinced I have two colds at the moment. One is like a 6.9 on the Richter scale and the other is like a one-day, 3500-point drop in the Dow.) Anyway, if you believe in such things, as I do, there was really only one choice: Campbell’s classic chicken noodle soup in a can. So, I went and got myself a can and OMG, what a mistake. When I was getting ready to do this S.C.A.N., I couldn’t smell a damn thing. But when I popped the top on this can of “soup,” the putrid smell of a chicken Auschwitz hit me like an olfactory Schindler’s List. No, I take that back. It hit me like a chicken soup Chernobyl. Have you ever been scared that the soup you were pouring on the bed of your scanner would eat through the glass and ruin your fun? No? Well, lucky you.
Next, the pills. Some cheap CVS daytime/nighttime cold pills that I can neither confirm nor deny are working. I’m pretty sure the blue ones are the nighttime ones, but your guess is as good as mine since they seem to have omitted this detail from the packaging. I’ve also been taking zinc pills and vitamin C. Finally, there’s the CVS menthol lozenges. I think they are supposed to be like HALLS.
So that’s the full bevy of remedies. Anything more, such as hot tea with lemon or biodynamic herbal tincture, would have been overkill. Oh, and I’m drinking plenty of fluids. Now, as for this soup, I will have to defer to the great Andy Warhol who once said, “I’ve decided something: Commercial things really do stink. As soon as it becomes commercial for a mass market it really stinks.” And how.
- Steven Lang