Ask cANDy You Shall Receive

Oh, candy…that saccharine, tooth-rotting, temptress. I love the myriad ways in which it can be molded, flavored, colored, and packaged. A little food dye, a lot of sugar, and the world is your high fructose corn syrup oyster.

Case in point, a recent trip to a local record store with an impressive candy selection, and I found an entire section of unusual delights. Pickle-flavored mints! Hot dog gum! Bacon jelly beans! I narrowed my choices down to Roast Beef Bubble Gum and do-it-yourself candy sushi.

Roast beef bubble gum is very successful at tasting disturbingly like roast beef. My thoughts immediately turned toward the scene in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where Violet Beauregard meets her undoing in a three-course meal flavored gum. But unlike Violet’s gum, mine did not end with blueberry pie. It began with beef… and ended with beef.

And then there was the candy sushi.
And the clerk looks at you and asks, “Are you REALLY going to eat that??”
And you say “yes” without a hint of irony or sarcasm. And he replies, “Good luck! Don’t get sick.” What else is there to say, but… SCORE!

I’m pretty sure this stuff would send anyone into diabetic shock. And thanks to a lack of air conditioning, poor candy shaping skills, and yellow dye #5, blue #1 and red #3, it looked like sushi if sushi was hand rolled by a drunk clown.