Thanksgiving is only a couple of days away and that means my favorite time of year is right around the corner. Christmas? Oh no, honey, I’m talking about Black Friday – the Boston Marathon of shopping. My husband says I was born for this. I like to think Black Friday was made because of me. Nobody shops as hard as I do. NOBODY.
I’ve spent all of my free time this last week trolling the dark corners of the web for illegal leaks of the Thanksgiving ads. By the time you wake up and start coloring that turkey I’ll have my whole battle plan mapped out. I’ve been studying floor plans of Best Buy, Target, Wal-Mart… shit, I’ve got a route planned for Mills Fleet Farm. Their deals on wool socks are unbelievable.
Oh, and you’re crazy if you think we aren’t cutting Thanksgiving short. My family better be able to handle a full turkey dinner at 11am, because we’re wrapping that noise up as soon as possible. If I can kick all of the relatives out by 3 I can be in line by 4, showered and in my best sweat suit. I’ll be at every store on my list a full 8 hours before midnight sales begin. You’re going to get up early to get in line? I AM THE LINE.
How can I be in five lines at once? My sisters and my daughters hold my place. They know how much this means to me and they know that if they refuse to help I will hold it against them the rest of their lives. And why would they refuse? Who wouldn’t want the chance to load up on the amazing deals at Herbergers? Do you even know how much that set of knives usually goes for?
Look, I love my family. This is a safety issue as much as it is an opportunity to save more money in one night than I make in a month answering phones at the mechanic’s up on Coon Rapids Boulevard. Being first in line means making sure you have all of the room in the world once those doors open. I’m not letting anybody in my family get trampled, you can count on that.
What, do you think you’re too good to try for the big deals on Black Friday? You think you’re better than me? You actually want to spend more money? Don’t be ridiculous. This is a no rain check, zero-sum game my friend. You either get what you want as fast as possible or it’s gone forever. Let’s see how high and mighty you are when my family is enjoying their Christmas opening all of their presents, happily getting exactly what they wanted and you’re stuck in your fancy McMansion, smiling a fake smile as you open another fucking book about cooking on the grill or pretending to be really psyched about a stocking stuffed with lotions and shampoos from the travel isle at Target. COME AT ME THEN.
