It comes up every year at this time. When I tell people that I’m a mall Santa, I usually get some weird looks. Some people assume I’m some kind of molester. Most people are really supportive, but I can see that they’ve got their doubts. I need to tell you, it’s not what you think. I just really love lying to kids.
In the weeks building up to the big opening day the anticipation is sometimes the hardest part to deal with. There are years where I can barely sit still on Thanksgiving. Sometimes I get an early jump on the season and I just start lying to my nieces and nephews about random things. “You guys, I taught my dog to sing. One Thanksgiving I ate a whole turkey. Did you know that I’m an astronaut?” All of these lead up to the big one – the cornerstone of my life spent lying to children: Santa Claus is real, and I am he.
I get to Macy’s early on Black Friday and take the stairs up to the 8th floor. It’s important to get warmed up. Lying to kids all day can take a lot out of a guy. By the time I’ve pulled my boots on and my helpers are in place we’ve usually already got a pretty good-sized line of kids ready to get lied to. I’ve been known to open the gates a few minutes too late. I like to let them wait a little, to make it seem like Santa had some better things to do. Maybe I had a problem with the Nerf production lines this year or something. The kids don’t care, they eat that shit up.
After that it’s all just slow pitch softball, man. The parents, they want me to lie to their kids. These parents have them all geeked up and ready for me to run the con. They tell me everything that they want this year and I look them right in the eye and say “Sure, no problem. Santa’s got your back.” It is fucking classic. Then do you want to know the best part? We take a picture. It makes me so happy to know that a little photo version of me will be in their house, lying to them all year long.
Once I get in the zone, I’m locked on. Nobody throws me off my game. Every once in a while you get the difficult kid, but not even a screamer can derail me. I love a challenge and bringing a kid from the brink of terror is the ultimate victory. Going from him crying bloody murder, knowing that I’m just a guy who cleans gutters most of the year, to believing that I’m Santa and then lying some more and telling him that he’ll get that Lego castle that he wants? Priceless.
Some people think I’m a sociopath but I’m doing good work here. Look, Christmastime is really wonderful for a lot of families and the source of great memories for years to come. It’s probably the best part of the year for a lot of kids. Telling them that no matter what’s going on in their lives they’re going to wake up one morning to find out a jolly old man left them some presents under a tree is a beautiful thing. Someone’s got to lie to these kids. I’m just glad it’s me.
