Doomtree! Fucking great to meet you guys, thanks for seeing me on such short notice. I represent a pretty major label, I can’t say which quite yet, but I wanted to tell you: We love your sound. We are HUGE fans. P.O.S, Dessa, SimCity, Major Lazer, Puppy Tiger, all of you guys. There are some big-time executives that are VERY interested in signing you but they’re going to want some changes. I’m here to be your advisor, to coach you through some steps that we’re going to need to take if we want to get famous and sell a sack load of records. I mean, that’s why we’re here, right? To sell records? Of course we are, baby!
Right now you guys are hovering at about number 90 on the iTunes hip-hop charts and I think, I KNOW that we can do better than that, right? So let me start here. Most of you guys are white, and that’s OK, but you’re going to need to be a little crazier, a little goofier. Take the Beastie Boys, Eminem, Vanilla Ice, all those guys: The most successful white rappers are caricatures. They’re accessible. Little Jenny Suburbs thinks Marshall Mathers is so damn cute and who do you think has money to buy records? That’s right, Jenny Suburbs.
That aside, you guys are going to have to make some personal life changes if you want to hit the big time. Behavior has to change, you feel me? At our label, hip-hop is about image, about being the hardest mother fucker on the street and you guys just don’t cut it. Hitting the coffee shop before going to your day job at the record store and drinking whiskey on your couch isn’t hard. I mean, legally I’m not sayin,’ but I’m just sayin’– one of you is going to have to kill someone. A little jail time is great for record sales, and if we do it right you’ll only go away for a little Man 3. Five years, if that, out in two for good behavior, then you’ll be rolling in the cash and the bitches.
So we get that out of the way, then we’re going to need to find some famous girlfriends for a couple of you. You’re gonna be big-timers and it’s time you started fucking like big-timers. You’ll start small, a few Victoria’s Secret models, some low-level movie stars, something believable. I think Olivia Munn is available. Don’t worry, the record label hooks it all up, it’s all very technical. Play your cards right and you’ll all have your very own Beyonce one day.
Speaking of the ladies, I notice that you’ve got one in your group. That’s great, that’s hot, but we’re going to need to get you pregnant. Not right away, but eventually we’re going to want to cash in on some baby-bump speculation. The tabloids eat that shit up and nothing makes a better accessory than a baby. Just like the guys, you can let the label play matchmaker. We’ve got all sorts of algorithms and shit for that. You think Gwen Stefani would really fall in love with the dude from Bush? Fuck no, but they make some good-looking kids, am I right? Don’t worry; we’ve got a plan. Word around the office is that T.I. is just DYING to put a baby in there.
This is all very high-level shit, and there’s plenty of room to improvise, but I wanted to get as much of this out there as I could. The important thing is that you be yourselves, but you know, in a way that the label is ok with. Do your thing, make your records and make that money, right? But for fuck’s sake, you need to dumb it down a little. People want to listen to songs about bitches and drugs and shit, not these complicated metaphors about the emotional starvation of a bleak working-class lifestyle.
I got a really good feeling about this, guys. If you’re ready I can contact our label head and we’ll make you an offer tomorrow. All you gotta do is – guys? Hey – where are you going? You can’t just walk away from an opportunity like this! I can make you rich as fuck! Guys…?!
