My name is Adam Hansen. I like basketball. I’ve liked basketball for as long as I can remember. Jordan. Bird. Dream Team. I’m born and raised in Minneapolis. Pooh Richardson. Felton Spencer. These names are not Jordan. Bird. Despite my passing interest in the Minnesota Timberwolves, I grew up on the NBA. I loved the Seattle Supersonics. Or to be more precise, I loved Shawn Kemp. The Reign Man. Then I loved Gary Payton. The Glove. Then Nate McMillian, Detlef Schrempf. The other Ervin Johnson. Sam Perkins. I even tried to shoot three point shots with Perkins’ unorthodox behind-the-head release.
Then Kevin Garnett. Malik Sealey. Tom Gugliotta. I kept the Isaiah Rider years at bay and dove head first with Garnett and Marbury. Sam Mitchell. High point with Sam Cassell. Latrell Sprewell. Fred Hoiberg. (Even the other Ervin Johnson again.)
Are you a little lost with these names?
Then join Sarah Morean as I, along with my Wolves season tickets, introduce her to the wonderful game of basketball.
SEASON OPENER PRE-GAME THOUGHTS
ADAM: Alright Sarah, we are on the way to your first game, what are you expecting?
SARAH: I am expecting a lot of handmade signs. Should we have brought one?
ADAM: Maybe. What would yours have said?
SARAH: Umm… RU-FI-O! RU-FI-O!
ADAM: His name is Ricky Rubio. That would have been embarrassing.
SARAH: Maybe I could have said it say Rubio but then I would have decorated it as if it had been in a food fight. You know, those fights they had?
ADAM: So what you want is a really high concept Hook reference on your basketball sign?
SARAH: Yeah.
ADAM: That’s fair enough.
ADAM: So what do you want to get out of this game, your first in who knows how long? You went to a game before. How was that?
SARAH: Great. I want to be on TV.
ADAM: Unfortunately our seats aren’t that great.
SARAH: Oh, well I’ll flash my T’s.
ADAM: Your t-shirts, I’m assuming. Alright.
SEASON OPENER POST-GAME THOUGHTS
ADAM: Sarah, we are on the other side of your first Wolves game, what are your thoughts?
SARAH: I really like sports! I really like this basketball sport!
ADAM: You are way into it now?
SARAH: YES! I like where we are sitting, I like the commentary by the weirdos behind us.
ADAM: Those teens?
SARAH: Yes.
ADAM: I told you they would lose steam after a quarter and a half, right, and they did.
SARAH: Well, they left!
ADAM: Yeah, they probably went to try to score some better seats.
SARAH: Ohhh.
ADAM: But they came back though.
SARAH: Defeated.
ADAM: But I will tell you it’s impossible for shitty teens and bros to keep up that level of yelling for a whole game. The game is just too long. It’s two and a half hours long.
ON THE OUTCOME
ADAM: So we lost.
SARAH: But we looked like we could win.
ADAM: Yeah, it was pretty close and Oklahoma City, depending on what you’re reading, people think they could win the championship this year. A lot of people think they’ll make the finals at least, so, we lost to a real good team. There’s no shame in that.
ON THE WOLVES’ ROSTER
ADAM: What do you think of the players on the team?
SARAH: I, y’know, I love my Malcolm Lee, I haven’t seen him play yet…
ADAM: Unfortunately he hasn’t played yet in two games.
SARAH: He’ll probably play Friday.
ADAM: Maybe.
SARAH: If we’re just going to get creamed, why not throw him out there?
ADAM: See what he has? What do you think of Kevin Love?
SARAH: Ah, he’s probably better than I can understand.
ADAM: Kevin Love is a very smart basketball player.
SARAH: He’s not flashy.
ADAM: He’s not flashy. At all. He gets easy points by doing easy things, and he gets a lot of rebounds. And you didn’t know what a rebound was until a few minutes ago, so you might not appreciate it. But Kevin Love is, for people who really like basketball, Kevin Love is an amazing player, but he’s not going to wow you like Kevin Durant or Russell Westbrook, who we saw at the opener. You saw Ricky Rubio, in his NBA debut. He had some crazy passes, right?
SARAH: YES!
ADAM: He’s fun to watch. He moves very quickly, every time he has the ball, you think something amazing is going to happen.
SARAH: People seem disappointed by Derrick Williams. People seemed to have higher expectations of him.
ADAM: Yeah, he was playing like an average rookie. Rookies aren’t usually great the first year…
SARAH: Oh really?
ADAM: Some are. Some might blow your mind, but most of them, it takes a season or two to get their sea legs.
SARAH: That’s nuts. It’s expensive to start a rookie then, isn’t it?
MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES
HAIKU OF THE WEEK
By Adam Hansen
Ricky Rubio
Whatever you do just please
Don’t be terrible
THIS WEEK’S HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT
I gave Sarah a quiz to test the limits of NBA knowledge she’s picked up from either inadvertent contact, passing interest, or just the psychic connection we all have.
I provided her with a list of every city that has an NBA team and asked her to give me the team name. This part was a general knowledge test at first. I bet everyone knows who the Lakers are. But Thunder? Probably not. So she would have to look at the city and ask herself “What is Portland’s defining characteristic when you make that characteristic a mascot?” Second, I gave her all the team names and asked for which city they came from. She was allowed to reference the first sheet, which provided a master list of cities. No pulling Bakersfield, California, out of nowhere. When you see SUNS, you reference the city list, and maybe say “Phoenix is pretty sunny.”
Lets see the answers:
I asked her about some of these names:
SARAH’S GUESSES FOR NBA TEAM NAMES
:: ATLANTA MUSTARD
SARAH: It was a word association thing. Atlanta mustard. The two seem to go together.
ADAM: Still don’t quite understand, but, uh, Atlanta is the Hawks. What do you think of that?
SARAH: Just doesn’t cut it with me.
:: BOSTON CELTICS
SARAH: This was my dad’s favorite team.
:: CHARLOTTE HORNETS
ADAM: This one was funny because you are right and wrong. Charlotte Hornets. Bad news.
SARAH: That’s not right?
ADAM: The Hornets moved from Charlotte a long time ago.
SARAH: They did?? All the kids in my middle school had their Starter jackets.
ADAM: Everyone did. Hornets Starter jackets. But that is old. Charlotte is now the Bobcats.
SARAH: That’s retarded.
ADAM: They are one of our more recent teams.
SARAH: BOB-CAT. I don’t like that.
ADAM: You don’t think a vicious animal is exciting?
SARAH: That’s just dumb. It sounds like a high school team.
ADAM: You know who owns part of the Bobcats? Michael Jordan!
SARAH: Oh?
ADAM: You know why he would want to own part of the Charlotte team?
SARAH: Because he lives there?
ADAM: Because he played college at University of North Carolina.
SARAH: Does he live there?
ADAM: I’m assuming so. Or he commutes from Chicago.
:: CLEVELAND AXE
ADAM: You said when you filled this out you thought it was a guitar? Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? So the Cleveland Axe?
SARAH: Is that not what they are called?
ADAM: Nope. The Cavaliers.
SARAH: That’s dumb too.
:: DALLAS RANGERS
ADAM: One: This is adorable. The Rangers are a baseball team I’m afraid.
SARAH: They are?
ADAM: Yeah, the Texas Rangers. But, hey, that’s right-ish. It’s the Dallas Mavericks.
SARAH: I know this NOW because I watched a bunch of videos on the internet today and I guess they played at the… basketball thing… last year.
ADAM: Yeah, they won the Finals against the Heat. They won the NBA championship last year.
SARAH: It’s called “THE” NBA championship? That’s what everyone wants to win?
ADAM: I guess that’s how you could put it.
:: DETROIT PISTONS
ADAM: You got this right on both sheets.
SARAH: I did? That doesn’t seem possible.
:: DENVER NUGGETS
ADAM: This is one you got right on both sheets. Amazing.
SARAH: Yeah, because this is a starter jacket I wanted. I thought the colors were prettiest.
:: GOLDEN STATE RAISINS
SARAH: This sounds appropriate, right?
ADAM: Ehhh…
:: MEMPHIS TENNESSEES
ADAM: Memphis Tennesees. Not many teams are named after just the state they are in. That sounds more like an address. What if I told you it was the Memphis Grizzlies?
SARAH: Hmm. Memphis doesn’t say anything to me except fat people and BBQ.
:: MIAMI SAND
ADAM: I don’t even need to ask you why you thought this.
SARAH: Miami Beach!
:: MILWAUKEE PILSNERS
ADAM: I can see this as well. Now the Milwaukee baseball team is the Brewers.
SARAH: See?
:: NEW JERSEY TURNPIKES
SARAH: Doesn’t that sound right?
ADAM: Are you just naming things you’ve heard of?
SARAH: Yes. This is a famous turnpike.
ADAM: Oh yes, very famous.
SARAH: I thought it was worthy of a team name. I guess not.
ADAM: So not the New Jersey Springsteens?
SARAH: No. Sorry.
ADAM: Well, they are the Nets.
SARAH: That is the most boring, generic, stupid name.
ADAM: Now a lot of team names sound like the city they are in. New Jersey Nets. N N. So maybe that’s a secret about guessing team names.
SARAH: What about the Heat?
ADAM: Uhh, yeah.
SARAH: Minnesota Timberwolves.
ADAM: Some…
SARAH: LA Clippers.
ADAM: Ok.
:: NEW ORLEANS VOODOO
ADAM: Is this offensive?
SARAH: I don’t think so. Voodoo is cool right?
:: OKLAHOMA CITY BOMBINGS
ADAM: I feel like this is not an honest guess at a team name.
SARAH: Well, one word comes to mind. Bombings.
ADAM: Horrible.
:: ORLANDO MAGIC
SARAH: Why is this? Did the Magic used to be in New Orleans?
ADAM: I think it’s a Disney thing. Magic Kingdom.
SARAH: Ohhhh. That’s dumb.
ADAM: Do you know who played here?
SARAH: OHH. I know. I just read about it today. He’s really Christian.
ADAM: Dwight Howard.
SARAH: He was first pick of the NBA draft. He didn’t go to college.
ADAM: Look at Wikipedia over here.
SARAH: He went to the #1 basketball high school in the country.
ADAM: Oh.
:: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
ADAM: I’m going to tell you it’s the Philadelphia 76ers.
SARAH: Is it a battle thing?
ADAM: What year was the Declaration of Independence signed?
SARAH: 1776.
ADAM: And where did they sign it?
SARAH: 76 76th st?
ADAM: Yup. They are named after a very specific place. Or just in Philadelphia. So, the Philly 76ers.
SARAH: [Gives a thumbs down.]
:: PORTLAND LUMBER
SARAH: This area seems very lumberjacky, right?
ADAM: It’s fine. I feel like you knew there was no team called the Lumber, but what are you going to do? You can’t reason your way into a name like the Trailblazers.
:: SACRAMENTO ATTITUDE
ADAM: I like this. It’s like Sacramento has a chip on their shoulder. They look at San Diego and go “Pfft, we could have a zoo.”
:: TORONTO PASTIMES
ADAM: Toronto Pastimes huh? What’s that about?
SARAH: Isn’t that just a cute idea?
ADAM: Your original guess in the margin here was The Musketballs. Can you explain either of these?
SARAH: I thought it should have a lot of S’s in it, for one thing. Then I thought, “Oh, we’re just a basketball team. The passtimes.” Isn’t that sweet? Just passing the ball.
:: UTAH JAZZ
SARAH: Did THEY move from New Orleans?
ADAM: They did! They moved to Utah and had the audacity to not change their name. What of Utah makes you think jazz? The Mormons? The Salt Flats?
SARAH: Absolutely nothing. Is the city morally opposed to that name?
ADAM: Very much so. That’s why nobody goes to any games.
:: WASHINGTON SENATORS
ADAM: Now did you know that the Twins were originally the Washington Senators?
SARAH: Our Twins? WE STOLE A TEAM? Are the Washington Senators still a thing?
ADAM: Nope. They are now the Washington Wizards. But they used to, up until the late 90’s, be called the Bullets.
SARAH: Oof.
ADAM: Yeah. At one point someone said, “Hey, A lot of people get assassinated, especially the political people in Washington. This is probably the worst team name.”
SHORT EXPLANATIONS FROM SARAH
:: BOBCATS, GOLDEN STATE
SARAH: I don’t really even know which state is the Golden State.
ADAM: California.
SARAH: Oh. Because they panned for gold?
ADAM: Yup. Golden State in this case is specifically the Bay Area.
SARAH: Like Golden Gate?
ADAM: Kind of!
:: BUCKS, NEW JERSEY
ADAM: Why New Jersey Bucks? Dollars?
SARAH: Because of the mob.
ADAM: The mafia? They want all the bucks? That’s fair.
:: GRIZZLIES, TORONTO
ADAM: Now you did something which is amazing in that you thought the Grizzlies were in Toronto. This is interesting because while they weren’t in Toronto they were originally in Vancouver…
SARAH: BAM!
:: HAWKS, SAN ANTONIO
SARAH: I think this was the last answer I had to fit in.
ADAM: So you just filled it in? You put it down twice.
:: HEAT, ATLANTA
ADAM: I can see this. Hotlanta? The Atlanta Hotlantas would be better.
:: NETS, PHOENIX
SARAH: I thought Phoenix’s name was going to be so boring. It’s like where all these elderly people live. They retire there. I thought the Nets was like the most boring “say what you are” type of thing so that all the people who retire in that state would just be like, “Oh, the Nets! Like a basketball net!”
:: THUNDER, PORTLAND
ADAM: Is this because of the Northwest rain?
SARAH: I didn’t even think about that. I was probably just grasping for straws.
:: WARRIORS, MILWAUKEE
SARAH: Well, you know how Leinenkugels has a little Indian on it?
ADAM: So you thought it was a Native American? I can see that.
SARAH: My high school was the Washington Warriors, we had a little Indian chief mascot.
GRADING THE TEST
First quiz: 12 right of 30 for a 40% rate.
Second Quiz: 14 right of 30 for a 46% rate.
Total: 26 right of 60 for a 43% rate.
I was surprised by exactly how many Sarah got right. I knew Lakers, Celtics, Knicks were givens, plus the home town Wolves. But the Nuggets, Pacers and Jazz were interesting.
AWARD FOR BEST FAKE TEAM NAME
Sacramento Attitude
(sounds like a Slamball team)
AWARD FOR TEAM THAT SHOULD MOVE CITIES
Milwaukee Mavericks
(Dirk probably loves bratwurst)
And finally, some thoughts from Sarah on her first game of the season, one of 33 (but probably actually 18 or so, let’s face it).
ON BASKETBALL FANS AND BASEBALL FANS
SARAH: I think that basketball seems like a very intelligent sport. I’m very excited about it. I think that people genuinely reward each other and, like, respect each other’s talent and that kind of attitude…
ADAM: You mean other players?
SARAH: Players, and also I think the crowd has a lot of respect for when really good stuff is done. I always feel bad when the other team does really amazing shit and everyone in the crowd forces themselves to be silent.
ADAM: That’s the thing about when you go see basketball, and I might be biased because I love basketball, but I think that a hardcore basketball fan is more open minded than a hardcore football or baseball — well I’m going to take that back, because people who are hardcore into baseball are way into it, they are into stats and stuff — but I think basketball by design is more exciting to watch than baseball, so maybe when a baseball fan sees an opposing player make an amazing play, they do what you do when you watch baseball, you say in a subdued voice “oh wow look at that. That was good.” But with basketball, like when Lebron James this Friday steals the ball from Kevin Love, storms down the court and does an insane dunk, even people who root for the Wolves are going to yell OHHH SHIT.
THANK YOU to our artists! Athena Currier created the Sand, Axe and Raisins logos and Greg Means created the Bombers and Lumber logos.
