Well, never fear, single citizens of Minneapolis! We at MPLS.TV have compiled a list of fun and exciting places to spend your solo V-Day. Pack a box of Franzia, a carton of Ben and Jerry’s, and your favorite sweatpants: This shit is about to get REAL.
Your first stop will be somewhere fancy and exclusive, like CRAVE downtown or Cosmos at the Graves 601 Hotel. You might think these are the sort of places you’d want to avoid on a day like today, but fuck it! Hold your greasy/unkempt head high! You have just as much right to a delicious meal as everyone in a relationship does! No need to hide out in your apartment eating leftover mac and cheese and drinking vodka Four Lokos. (Yes. That’s a thing.) You gotta TREAT YO SELF GURL. When you walk in, make a beeline for the bar. Once you’ve secured a stool, order the Valentine’s Day special for two and pour the entire bottle of complimentary champagne into your face. When the food arrives, you’ll have a nice buzz going, and this will enable you to snarf down both meals while proclaiming to anyone who will listen how nice it is not to have a date right now: “I mean, he’d drink all the goddamn champagne and I would have to choose between the lobster tail and the steak. Not worth it. Like, fuck relationships, man, I’m cool just being me.” You’ll probably end up being escorted out around the time you start throwing food and/or begin crying into your wine glass, but that’s fine. I mean, whatever, you’re just doing you, and the night is still young…
Next, head to Target, where you’ll ricochet down the aisles shooting icy glares at the poor saps buying last-minute cards and flowers. They are mere obstacles standing in the way of your only goal: Get the half-price chocolate hearts into your mouth. But it is Target, so feel free to shop around and pick up the extra-large boxes of Zebra Cakes and yeast infection meds you’re too shy to buy sober. It’s OK to let the tears come while you’re standing in line perusing tabloid photos of Blue Ivy Carter. Your own empty womb will never hold a child as blindingly perfect as the spawn of Jay-Z and Beyoncé, and tonight is about accepting that. It’s also about emptying a flask of whiskey into a Big Gulp of Diet Mountain Dew, and so after avoiding the cashier’s judging eyes, you’re off on your next adventure…
You screech to a stop in front of the Cedar-Riverside Liquor Store and kick aside Bob, the rambling homeless man sitting in front of the door, when he asks you to spare some change. Clearly you have no change to spare: You have exactly sixty-five dollars left after your Target binge and you’re going to need every last cent to make this night count. Who does this guy think he is, asking for your hard-earned liquor money? He’d probably spend whatever you gave him on some stupid Valentine’s Day present for his wife. Asshole. After clearing the store of every last drop of Karkov, you hop back into your whip and pour half a liter of vodka into your whiskey/Diet Mountain Dew concoction. Drinking and driving is completely legal when you’re single on Valentine’s Day, so don’t worry about swerving on your way to our next pick of the night…
Without a doubt, the best place to be by yourself on Valentine’s Day is an after-dinner showing of The Vow at AMC Block E. Hide your Big Gulp under your stained, baggy sweatshirt and keep an eye out for other single stragglers while you’re waiting in line for that extra-large bucket of popcorn. Who knows? That guy yelling at you for holding up the line at the butter dispenser might just be your future spouse! Wouldn’t that be such a romantic story to tell your children? He’s hotter than Channing Tatum’s mumbly neckface, anyway. You should definitely sit next to him when you get into the theater. Disregard the whiny, attractive woman at his side, who’s probably going to shriek at you for stealing her seat/smelling like a minibar/making out with her boyfriend’s nose. She’s obviously just jealous…
You wake up suddenly, and discover a pigeon has just landed on your head. Disconcerted, you flail around for a minute, trying to figure out where you are. The last thing you remember is being hit in the face by that bitch at the theater, and now you seem to be snuggling with a family of rats, surrounded by rotting flowers. You groggily pull yourself upright and realize you’re in a dumpster behind the Indulge & Bloom flower shop. You grab a half-eaten bouquet and hop out of your makeshift bed. Don’t be ashamed as you walk down Nicollet Mall at 10 a.m. wearing the same stained sweatsuit you had on last night and casually vomiting every few steps. You have flowers! Everyone you pass will automatically assume you’re walk-of-shaming it! If the world thinks you got laid last night, who are you to say it isn’t true? For all you know, that dumpster might be Bob’s home.
