I’ve been an on-and-off-again season ticket holder for the last handful of years. The first year was exciting. You give me a “Hey Adam, do you like the Wolves?” and I can shoot back “I’m a season ticket holder, dawg.”
Beyond the ticket per-game-price, there is a series of perks the team throws in that adds value to your purchase.
Now, to someone sitting a few rows from courtside, these events are insignificant, dollar-wise. But me, I’m cheap. I’m sitting upper deck. You feed me a nice breakfast and I’m doing math…
‘$200 for the season tix, minus the value of a this nice breakfast, maybe $15, I’m at $185 for the tickets. This shirt they gave me is probably worth $10. $175. This keeps going, I’m MAKING money going to these games. This is how billionaires start. I think.’
Peek at how the better half lives as I take you into a season ticket holder-only event:
TIMBERWOLVES HOLIDAY PARTY AT THE MALL OF AMERICA
Without going into a lot of gory details, the year went from “no NBA season” to “NBA season is go for launch” very quickly. The lockout gets resolved and next thing you know I have an invite to this exclusive Christmas party.
This would be Sarah’s first taste of anything basketball — and nothing says sports like dinner mints, hot chocolate and posed photos — so we are pretty pumped. This event is at the former Camp Snoopy, now named something Nickelodeon-related.
We walk in, get a free NBA t-shirt and see the sights. First things first, this happens:
I try to think of Wolves mascot Crunch as a real giant wolf who loves basketball, but I know there is some guy in the suit. So when they take our picture and Crunch makes a fart noise with his mouth, it’s not cute like when a giant wolf does it, it’s weird like when a guy in a wolf costume does it. But I don’t fault him for it, he’s trying to get a smile and maybe it works.
We sit and eat some cookies, drink hot chocolate and people watch. We see a wacky set of forty-somethings who I sense could be us in a decade or two. This horrifies Sarah. I don’t blame her.
Wolves rookies Derrick Williams and Malcolm Lee are supposed to be here taking photos as well but they are late so we head into Camp Clarissa Explains It All. You see, one season ticket holder perk of the night is UNLIMITED RIDE WRIST BANDS. Let that sink in. You know what rides are right? You also understand that it costs money to partake? Well, maybe for you, but on this particular evening, the season ticket holder is king. The sense of power you feel being able to, on a whim, say “I will ride this coaster again and face no financial loss” is intoxicating.
SARAH’S THOUGHTS ON…
SANTA CRUNCH:
I laughed like a giddy three-year old over Crunch’s prank until Adam said he blows raspberries for all the girls. Then the laughs seemed cheap and I felt foolish for loving his silly fart mouth so much.
THE CROWD AT THE PARTY:
The overwhelming number of families and normals made us and one other couple stick out like sore thumbs — us as hipsters and them as sci-fi nerds. Both of them plump and poorly dressed — him with long gray hair and a beard and her pairing a fuzzy wolf hat with, I’m guessing, a homemade sweater. All four of us: SPECTACLES IN SPECTACLES. In secret we call them our future friends.
A BAD CHOICE WE ALL HAVE TO LIVE WITH
Once tired of our VIP status, we hit the party again. The players had arrived and looked bored. Everyone had taken pictures already and they were just sitting on display with no line.
“Look at these millionaires!” you would shout. “Can I take a picture with these millionaires?”
We ask for photos and they say move on up. We say hi to the players and ask what to do. “Anything you want,” someone tells us. I get the awesome idea to pose as though we are these guys’ mentors. They are sitting so we put our hands on their shoulders.
In retrospect, this pose was a mistake. Here’s why:
1. I don’t think anyone besides Derrick Williams looks comfortable in this photo. He’s played big games in college, so this is nothing in terms of pressure.
2. I on the other hand look like I know just how much of a mistake this is, but it’s too late to go back now.
3. Lee looks as if his aunt kissed him too long at Grandma’s Christmas gathering but he can’t say anything because who would believe him, you know?
4. Sarah looks comfortable at first glance. Big smile, big confidence. But look closer.
Her hand is hovering over his shoulder like it’s an eighth grade winter formal and the nerdy boy just asked his crush to slow dance during Aaliyah.
We here at Quintuple-Double would like to formally apologize to Derrick Williams and Malcolm Lee.
This photo was a mistake. Deep down, we know they deserve a little more respect.
Maybe if we’d invited them with us to the rides the smiles would have been more genuine:
