Retro parties and adult proms are so big right now; I know that there’s got to be a way to cash in on this. Once I find the perfect location I plan on launching my high school dance-themed bar, and it will be HUGE. I’m going to provide my customers with the ultimate drunken high school experience that, being awkward nerds, they missed out on. Get ready to relive the horrors of high school every night, but with booze!
It’ll be the perfect date spot! No matter how poorly your date goes, it can never be worse than the homecoming debacle of your junior year. If anything, you’ll be so happy that you haven’t managed to pick a shitty dress or pop wood during the pictures in front of her parents’ house that you’ll be walking on air.
Don’t worry about sneaking anything past the chaperones here. If you want to spend the entirety of “Can’t Stop The Moonlight” sucking face with your date nobody’s going to stop you. Want to desperately grind against each other to “Pony”? Feel free – the only things our “chaperones” are here for are kicking out the pukers and stopping fights that break out when you find out your friend has been fucking your little sister.
No high school party experience is complete without certain cliché movies playing in the background. We’ll provide huge screens that will stream The Craft, Little Shop of Horrors, Happy Gilmore, Clerks and more, but never Rocky Horror Picture Show because fuck that movie.
But what’s the high school experience without a little fear and embarrassment? If you’re not walking around with your guard up, look out – you never know when one of our staff members with a thyroid problem will try and shove you into a locker. And don’t get on the bad side of our busboys – they live in the trailer park with their chain-smoking mom and her boyfriend and there’s always the possibility of them taking time out of torturing frogs to mess with you.
All of the bartenders will be dressed as cheerleaders and captains of the hockey team, football team, lacrosse team, whatever, and they will ignore you. When you finally do get their attention you’ll forget your classy elaborate drink you were planning to order, totally clam up and mumble something about a Bud Light Lime.
Oh and the drinks! For those looking for the real drunken high school experience we’re going to aim to be as true-to-life as possible. We’ll offer the full range of Boone’s Farm and Mad Dog 20/20 flavors. We’ll have three flavors of Avalanche liqueurs, you know, the ones with the crystals in the bottle? We’ll have cans of Natty Ice, Keystone Light and the entire Pucker collection.
I think I’ve got a really successful business model here. People always look back with a little nostalgia and everyone has asked themselves “What if I could do it again, knowing what I know now?” And what do they know now? They know that booze is awesome, and that it makes everything better. Especially high school.